I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
