I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize