maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize