A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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