I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
