I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
