I wish I could teleport
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
