I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
