so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
