omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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