I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
