If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
