He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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