Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
