I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
