Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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