A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
