The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
