god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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