So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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