I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize