As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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