I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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