I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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