Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
