Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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