I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize