I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
