no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
