I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
