TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
