Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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