I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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