she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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