The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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