Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
