What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
