Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
