i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
im holly from the hills drunk
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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