so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize