Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
