You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Houston, we have a squirter
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
