I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
