i will never coherently bang her
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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