Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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