Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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