I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
