He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
