She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
