my vag is so smooth its legendary
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
