John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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