you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
