Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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