More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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