I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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