96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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